he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
