That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
