So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
