i love accidental penises.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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