I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
