You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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