Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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