Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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