They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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