Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
