There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
