I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it ðŸ˜
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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