dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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