College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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