I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
