i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
