Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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