I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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