i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
