She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Just puked most of my soul out..
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