Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How naked do you want me to be?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
