dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
