i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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