why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
