literally had 100 drinks last night.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
