It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
