It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my sisters under your porch take her home
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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