Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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