dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
