i wish there were pregnant emoticons
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
