Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
