Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
