Apparently you make a good broom.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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