forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
