She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
