I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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