I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
