if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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