textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize