Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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