Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
