My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
did i walk over a car last night?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize