mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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