I met the friendliest cop last night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
