My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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