I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
