You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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