I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's the barista slut.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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