I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
