the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
