You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am spending my child support on dildos
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Who died my cat blue again?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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