so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My life is pants optional.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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