You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
