I faked an abortion last night.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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