sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
