her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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