Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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