Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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