Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
