I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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