haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
