just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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