Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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