It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
