I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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