how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
