I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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