before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
NoShamevember. You game?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
