I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Your shirt... Was in my pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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