Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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