Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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