i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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