I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
