Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
